Rattled Thoughts as This Year Closes

When you see me this summer and you ask me how my year was, I'll probably smile. It will be a real smile and may even stretch from ear to ear. When you see my smile, you may anticipate that the words to follow will be something like, "It was SUCH a great year!" or "Oh man! I don't even know where to start!"

I won't say either of those things, though. It's not because those statements aren't true. On the contrary, they most certainly are the truth. There have been countless moments of love, laughter, and pure joy.

However, what I really think about this year is that it.was.so.hard. So many times, when I asked the Lord to tell me what in the WORLD I am supposed to be doing here, the only thing I heard was "Wait."

I think one of the reasons this year was so hard is that I didn't wait well. Many times, I rushed ahead to make a decision, give an answer, or solve a problem. As a result, I feel that in various situations, I've been more of an enabler than an empower-er. I've yielded to my need to feel that everything is under control, and, in turn, I think in certain relationships, I've been more hurtful more than helpful.

This isn't me saying I'm done here, though. It's in the messing up that we learn. I'm learning how to set better boundaries. I'm learning how to be firm. I'm learning how to be culturally savvy. I'm learning how to love people in accordance with how they need to be loved and not just rely on how I feel.

Above everything, I'm learning that all.is.grace. I can strive for perfection and at the same time relax when I fail because all.is.grace. I can make mistakes and trust I will be corrected because all.is.grace. I can do things right the first time or not get it right until the 100th time because all.is.grace. ALL.IS.GRACE.

Moses brought the law. I love the law because it gives me a guideline. The law, however, doesn't love me back.

Jesus brought grace and truth. I am in love with Jesus because He loves me because He loves me because He loves me because He loves me.

And because He loves me, I can know in advance I'm going to mess up again one day but not give in to defeat. I can try again. and again. and again. All.is.grace. And not just a little bit. All.is.grace. Grace upon grace upon grace. Period.